Alone, with nowhere to belong.

Have you ever felt so alone in a crowded place? Ever felt like the world is such a huge place, but there's nowhere you belong to? I didn't use to feel so strongly about it. Until Christmas last year. That's when i fully understood what it means by being alone.

I used to think that I had the friends and company that I needed. With them, I wouldn't go wrong. But, I was so wrong. It was crowded then, but yet, I felt like there was no one but me. It's like I had a bubble around me, or I was transparent. When most of them slept, I took a chair to the balcony. I stared at the night sky, while it was drizzling, letting the tears flow down. I wondered what had happened to all the happiness I once had. That's what you get for trusting others. That's what you get when you get your heartbroken, but have no ways to mend it and no one to hear you out. That's what you get, for putting your friends all before yourself, that you end up all alone. That moment, I wished someone would wipe those tears for me. Obviously that would only happen in dramas. Everyone, including my bestest of friends had slept.

I guess I never told anyone about this. Why would I? Sometimes I wish I had someone I was thankful for, for being there to hear me out while I was at my pit bottom. Not like no one was there. But I couldn't feel the "warmth" that a brokenhearted would have felt.

Christmas is coming soon. I wish I don't have to feel that way again.

Fence.

Someday, everyone's gonna leave.
I can't trust you anymore. That's what you get for sitting on the fence. Don't even tell me you're sitting on the fence, it just.. hurts somehow? But the hurting will get better, eventually. The trust ain't getting any closer though.

Pain.

I know i left this place vacant for much longer than I should. And i guess everyone that used to read this space no longer reads it:/ But i suppose this is one place that allows me to be honest with my own feelings.

Been feeling crappy through the initial months. I can't even find a reason to cry. I think that's bad. Since i can't really "release" all of which that has been bottling up. Reading my own blog always gives me... a teary feeling. I suppose cause it's been through most of the times when i was down?

I thought i was over it. Like really over it. But whenever I see pictures, see our memories. Something just hurts from within. I was told that when love turns to hatred, it just makes everything easier to let go. So that's what i did. I made every love I had, into hatred. But i don't seem to feel relieved. Some day some times, things just come back, and i feel worse than ever. I can't tell anyone. I suppose they wouldn't care.

Couple of week ago, I was browsing through my Facebook Messenger, my blog, my photo library, my msn conversations, my ipod, everything. I see memories. We were happy, sweet in our own ways. Then it started getting lesser and eventually gone. When we were younger, we used to dream together about being together forever, have our family and grow older together. As we grew up, all of these just turned into a blurry vision. Now, vanished without a trace. As things started to take a turn for the worse, I had myself mentally prepared.

You weren't as sweet, we met up lesser, you don't seem to care much either. I started to get tired, but I still held on. Cause i naively believed that you will put in the effort to keep it going. But no, I was so wrong. You chose to take others' words for it. You turned your back against me, who trusted you with all I had. The betrayal, the way things ended, my memories vanishing, I hated all of these. You'll never feel the same way. You wouldn't have felt this starking pain. The last few messages was the last straw. I don't even know who is this person whom I've been together with for half a decade.

Now and then, I see your tweets, I see the conversations with her. I feel so annoyed. I want to just rip everything in my sight. I hated it all. I feel disgusted with her. I know she didn't do anything wrong. But i really just want to rip her / everything in my sight.

Thanks to all of you, now i can't trust anyone fully. Perhaps a handful of really close ones to my heart. But it's hard. I can't even trust Jw, wj or anyone. I just believe there's a motive behind every kindness that others showered on me. Can't wait for the world to end, I just don't see the point. No, I'm not suicidal. I'm just too tired to carry on with this life.

Someone, please. Save me. Or maybe I don't want to be saved. This pain makes me feel like I'm alive. But I believe that I'm better off dead.

I wanted to blog so badly last night, but today i have nothing to say. Or rather I can't phrase it into words. Too much on my mind.

Sick.

Those that knows, knows best.

To be honestly, I feel like I'm going through shit routines daily.
Doesn't feel like there's anything worth fighting for, nothing left to reminisce. Each day i get pass, meaninglessly. Live a day, a day passes. 

This one year has been.... i would say life changing. I have gone through certain things that i never expected I would have ever gone through. Betrayal from people whom I have never expected, one matters being linked to others. But, I'm tired. Tired of having to fight back. An eye for an eye, it just makes everyone involved tired. I guess I could say I was hurt. Really hurt. Each time i find out somethings, i just die a little more inside. Don't know what's left of me. I feel so drained, so numb. I was deprived of emotions. Cause any form of emotion would be judged, and any expression wouldn't seem appropriate.

People have been here, they left. Some gone for good, some hanging by the thread. To some, I'm just nothing but a spare tire when everyone else isn't free for them.

Till then, tata!

Bitch please

Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.

It's been about 2 weeks since I got to know about it. Seriously, how can you ever look into my eyes and lie straight to me?! I see you practically now and then, pretty often to be exact. Somehow, i don't want anyone to remind me of anything. But some parts of me wished that you could at least tell me a little. I mean, if you treated me as a friend, i suppose you would right? But it seems like you don't even see me as a friend? For you to lie in my face, for you to keep such big things from me. Really!? Keeping it from me was bad enough. You had to go and tell someone else and ask him to keep from me. You just didn't expect anything to happen after that right? Bitch please. There's pretty much no such thing as secrets anymore.

FUCK YOU.

What if it's me that found out in regards to your matters and did the same to you, how would you feel?!

You are one fucked up friend, and one fuck-ed up bitch. Words exactly.

Save me

So many things to say. And is it cause I've left this place vacant for so long, I feel so trapped up inside.

Somewhat feel like i'm taking and handling much more than what I am capable of :/ I want to talk to someone. But I don't wish for anyone to know. Maybe someone close yet at a distance. The last thing i need is another whole round of drama, or anyone to judge. Wait till you're in my shoes, otherwise, you're in no position to talk. 

Till then...