I wanted to blog so badly last night, but today i have nothing to say. Or rather I can't phrase it into words. Too much on my mind.

Sick.

Those that knows, knows best.

To be honestly, I feel like I'm going through shit routines daily.
Doesn't feel like there's anything worth fighting for, nothing left to reminisce. Each day i get pass, meaninglessly. Live a day, a day passes. 

This one year has been.... i would say life changing. I have gone through certain things that i never expected I would have ever gone through. Betrayal from people whom I have never expected, one matters being linked to others. But, I'm tired. Tired of having to fight back. An eye for an eye, it just makes everyone involved tired. I guess I could say I was hurt. Really hurt. Each time i find out somethings, i just die a little more inside. Don't know what's left of me. I feel so drained, so numb. I was deprived of emotions. Cause any form of emotion would be judged, and any expression wouldn't seem appropriate.

People have been here, they left. Some gone for good, some hanging by the thread. To some, I'm just nothing but a spare tire when everyone else isn't free for them.

Till then, tata!

Bitch please

Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.

It's been about 2 weeks since I got to know about it. Seriously, how can you ever look into my eyes and lie straight to me?! I see you practically now and then, pretty often to be exact. Somehow, i don't want anyone to remind me of anything. But some parts of me wished that you could at least tell me a little. I mean, if you treated me as a friend, i suppose you would right? But it seems like you don't even see me as a friend? For you to lie in my face, for you to keep such big things from me. Really!? Keeping it from me was bad enough. You had to go and tell someone else and ask him to keep from me. You just didn't expect anything to happen after that right? Bitch please. There's pretty much no such thing as secrets anymore.

FUCK YOU.

What if it's me that found out in regards to your matters and did the same to you, how would you feel?!

You are one fucked up friend, and one fuck-ed up bitch. Words exactly.

Save me

So many things to say. And is it cause I've left this place vacant for so long, I feel so trapped up inside.

Somewhat feel like i'm taking and handling much more than what I am capable of :/ I want to talk to someone. But I don't wish for anyone to know. Maybe someone close yet at a distance. The last thing i need is another whole round of drama, or anyone to judge. Wait till you're in my shoes, otherwise, you're in no position to talk. 

Till then... 

Numb-ed

There's been so much in my head, so much i want to say. But when i find somewhere to express it. Everything goes blank. Honestly, there's so so much i wish i could just spill it all out. I don't even know what's the motivating factor for everything already.

I used to believe that FRIENDSHIP was something i NEEDED to cherish.
Now, sometimes, i think it's something that can be ruined in just days, or maybe even minutes. Yes, that includes friendships that's been built up for years. What's the reason behind this realization?

DISAPPOINTMENT.

This word. So... used to it. That it stopped actually hurting me. It's like nothing new. At times i ask myself, when i really needed someone... who is really there?

Sidetrack: Whenever I see/heard the word BKK, it just makes me pissed. Really, i mean. I waited for 1 and a half year, to wait for nothing, waited in nought. #FA. No. It isn't about going together or not already. It's about what was agreed initially. 

Back to it, Unlike Jasmine, who sees the best in everyone, I'm sorry. I prefer to see the worst in everyone. I know i'm a total bitch as well, so i don't have rights to ask of people to be nice to me. But, at least to certain people, I have tried to be as accommodating as possible. I tried to be nice, so i don't think i really deserve shits. Talking behind backs, who doesn't do it? But one does not go to the extent of biting one who has helped you. Especially in more than one ways. I don't know if it's just me. But i'm really kinda numb to this already. I've learnt how to expect the worst, even in people whom I've expected best from. Cause, everyone's going to disappoint everyone else in ways or another. Just who's worth it and who's not. Maybe it's cause everything is too smooth sailing, i start to let my guards off. Start to forget why the walls were up in the first place. To forget that friendship may afterall be a second choice to everything. Like boyfriend or friend? A million dollars or your friend? (face the truth la)

But life always brings us surprises isn't it?
People whom you expected best = worse.
People whom you expected worst = there for you.

Friendship really isn't the number of years anymore. People whom you've just met, may just become the person who understand you, there for you. The handful of friends that i keep close, i just wish to cherish them. Everyone else, IDRGAFF.

le pig.

You know who you are. Thanks<3

waiting for....

Yeah, anyone knows? Probably noone knows it better than i do:/ This leaving game, i'm always the one left behind. Picking up the pieces, waiting for everyone else to walk right back.

No words could ever describe my disappointment each time. Not now, not ever. To be honest, the kind of shit you made me feel, it's worse than what he made me feel. At least he didn't take anything away from me. In fact, as much shits he left me in, he left me with a happy memory. You left me with nothing but pieces of shit that i have to clear up after you.

Sore throat please recover!

Work at singsale is getting pretty ridiculous! Feel like quitting soon. But, just somehow feel that it's irresponsible to throw everything aside and leave. But... who appreciates? Anyway, clubbing was insane at Zirca that night. Aside from the free drinks, we even got jars of Vodka Pineapple, Long Island Iced Tea. 3 Graveyards, 1 Flaming Lamborgini, 4 Barcardi 151.

Now? I have a horrible sorethroat. Life sucks period. Speaking of which, where is my period?! Think i'm too damn heaty. Lifestyle been a havoc this entire month. FML.

Ohyeah, another thing. Did i mention that i saw him at ClarkeQuay that day? To be exact, Zara spotted him. Mixed feelings whenever i see him. I miss those love he used to show on me. I miss his care and concern. But yet, i feel like it's this concern that was killing me. Hated him the way he left. Told myself I'd never step back. I guess it's just a wall i try to built to protect myself. Okay, I'm typing rubbish cause i feel sickish:/

Hey Bali!

Promised to blog, but i got lazy!

Life was pretty alright at Bali. Somethings didn't turn out as awesome as i imagined to be:/

Left Singapore on the 24th, Singapore Airport is the best. Later you will know why. Love this place.

Reached Denpasar airport and hailed 3 cabs to bring us to the townhouse. But cause the roads are too small/congested. He alighted us at somewhere nearby. But, we really had no idea how to walk man. In the end, it took us quite awhile to find the townhouse. The reception area was great, they could all speak English! YAY! Checked in, but only one room was available while the other was under housekeeping still. Settled money issues and off we go out to check out the surrounding area. Tried to find carrefour but failed. Ended up trying to find Giant. After spending much time and effort, finally found it. Dinner was instant noodles with hotdog and Alec's signature scrambled eggs. *seems like we are indispensable with the eggys* After that went out to walk around and check out the clubbing area (walk pass only, never go), like a happeningggg only! Quite a number of them dapao mac/kfc back to the hotel area! After that all toh:O

Next day we had breakfast downstairs. It was pretty alright. What more can you ask for a complimentary breakfast?! Then we went to do some shopping around our area, followed by lunch at some "restaurant" like place. Sirloin steak only 25,000 IDR. Which is SGD $3.42?! HAHAHAHA! But, it definitely isn't sirloin steak. I think they just cook the whole cow. They also dk which part is what meat. HAHAHA! Headed over to Waterbom. Not bad! Confirm better than Wild Wild Wet (DUH). Walked back to meet Yanhui and Elle! Had a smrinoff ice while strolling along the beeeach. Life's great!

(Le best friend: FOUND)

Dinner at some seafood restaurant. OMG, they eat like some monster! The crab was quite a disappointment, the calamari.... was superb! Poor Weijie was too occupied with ONE crab leg, he missed out the ENTIRE 2 dishes of lemon chicken and calamari! So, we wanted to be nice and ordered another round of it. But, he only managed to get a few. HAHAHA! The entire plate of calamari only took 30seconds to clear. MONSTERS RIGHT!

Drank in the apartment with the alcohol we bought from Singapore DFS! Then headed over to clubbing, Quite disappointment ah, the mood just... not really right uhh:/

Third day, we headed out of Kuta! We hired a driver and a mini bus! Woah, their driving skills, IMBA! Went to a wood carving area, then a temple where you can bathe in holy water:O,  followed by buffet lunch at a restaurant on the top of the mountain overing looking the volcano! After which, headed to uluwatu for the awesome sunset! Sheryl's slippers kena taken away by the monkey! And oppa's spectacles also! Oppa's spectacles we managed to get back.. But the slippers, can't cause the monkey was chewing on the sole and plugged out all 3 points>.< A&W for dinner and some shopping! Drank with the security guard through the whole night! Together with an Aussie Couple, they damn cartoon laaa! heh! The security even fetched Oppa and Sylvia to the minimart nearby, like a cute only!

In the daybreak, yanhui, yiyan, alec and I walked to the beach to catch the sunrise! Heh!

and the one who ask us go, fell asleep! >:(

The security guard fetched sylvia over to join us for awhile! Heh! So cute right! we chatted with him for awhile then they go back. After awhile then we headed back(:
Breakfast and last minute shopping! Then chiong off to the airport! Whoever's going there, be early for your check in okay. They are pretty cunning and they do practice bribery one! >:(

Farewell drink!

It was wayyyyy too fast! ): Time to plan for next trip liao!

Bring me away.

Please bring forth the getaway. Needs some fresh air and some time to take my head off these burning issues.

Anthazagoraphobia

你不在.

Attended Sufea's 21st Birthday ytd @ECP.
Honestly, it was kinda awkward cause i really don't know much people there:/ And the people i know are all too occupied with other people they know. If you know what i mean:) So, dragged around, chatted in small groups around.

Then until a point, weijie, jiamin and I cycled over to get starbucks take away. While Sylvia skated there.Almost had my life killed by Weijie. He stopped in the middle of the pathway and kept laughing. When i shouted at him to get lost, he continued laughing. Thank god i changed lane fast. Otherwise, Jiamin would really have fallen backwards and probably injured her spine? *touch wood*

Anyway, received news that he would be leaving on the 16th April. Quite a shock to me:O Like, though he's been telling me that he's leaving in April. But the date has been unconfirmed. So was kinda like thinking... maybe not so soon. Ytd just suddenly tell me he's like leaving in less than 10 days. *inserts shock face* Guess I'm gonna miss him afterall. All his nonsense and bullying. And the texting.

Just treat me nicer in the last few coming days will you? :/

Set me free

Set me free

I need someone to set me free. I don't want to think so much. You know, it sucks to know too much:/ You don't know what to do. You just feel like not doing anything. Various matters, i always have a particular thinking, but after settling down to think through, i often have a different set of thinking. Sometimes this thinking is what changes everything. More often than not, people always do differently from what they say. Just like doing it different from how it's taught in theories. Majority of the people don't practice what they preach anyway right?

Tired of such.

Hate to admit it, but honestly. I do miss you. I mean afterall we were really close. Like damn close. I would do things for you that i never did for anyone else:/ After this, i realised that to me, there's no exception, by far.

But, the point you get me disappointed, it's a state of possibly no return. No one can possibly fully understand. I miss you, still. But that's only making me hurt more. I thought this is a blocked out thing. Until recently people start mentioning you. Then i realised that somehow you're still here. I admit i'm unreasonable and i throw tantrums at you. It wasn't what you had to tolerate of me, but despite it all, you still doted on me and gave in. This, would always, unknowingly, leave me strength to hold on.

Messaging them, i would always see traces of you in them. Sometimes i wonder what it would be like if you were still here. Then again, i think it would be nothing but havoc:/

New Old Best Friend

Welcome.

Hi people, it's been a long time. Don't even know if anyone still visits this place anymore. I met up with a old best friend. She made me lose alot, realise alot. Her name is procrastination by the way.

Promised myself that i would blog at this space more often since months ago. But never really made the effort to do so. And plus, there were so many things going on:/ Felt like i was wayyyy too busy anyway.

January was spent rushing FYP and catching up on school work. Oh, as well as spamming work at MBS and such. Febuary was spent with exams, occasions, celebrations here and there. March arrived pretty soon after that, supposedly holidays, but we had courses. Worked, drinking, just purely spending time together. April is so filled with events, making me spend money like water. Sufea 21st, Yanhui's 21st, Jiaqi's bday, Bali. Omg, chor month!

It's really too much to fill and i can't just fill it in right now. Oh anyway, kinda felt like we grew closer to Alec, Forbes and Tiffy. Okay, maybe it's just me that thinks so:/ When facing Alec and Tiffy, feels like i can pour out alot to them. Though like haven really pour, but just a feeling.

Beloved Sheryl started work alrdy, lesser time tgt! Only weekends! But everyone's busy. I somehow feel like i'm friend-less whenever weekends kicks in. LOL #foreveralone

Friends come and go, noone can guranteen that they'll be able to stay right till the end:/

 

okay, too much ah! 

Longest period ever with no post. 

Arina #youfail. 

Will be back next week! This week chiong work!

Uncertainty

Don't know what's gonna happen after poly life. Life is so uncertain:/
Anyway, so much been going on in my life. Feel like i need to sit down one day and blog a really long post out:/ Too much to write, overflowing emotions. But when i look at this space, BLANK. Very awesome. Many emotions i can't describe. Someone, /find my emotions and blog it all out for me please!

I'm be back soon i hope! Till then, ..!

Living your expectations

Yes, it's like 4am in the morning. I have to head to school to study tomorrow, and yet i'm still awake. All thanks to a dumb university application. Yes yes, i applied. So last minute i know. Quit all the naggings people. It may sound easy, JUST APPLY ONLY LA. But you have no idea how much is there to consider. No idea at all. So quit all the passing remarks.

I really have no idea what i want. Even up till now, i have absolutely no idea. Just gonna apply first. Cause.. apply loh. Other uni(s) can wait. Wait till after my exams okay? Don't come disturb me with it:/

Sometimes, I don't know why am i doing this. What is the reason and rationale behind doing this. Is majoring in this course what i really want? I have absolutely no idea. To many, it seems like my life is a typical Singaporean life. But, i don't know what i want, i see no goals, no future. Is my future only bright if i have that piece of paper? It's not only about what i want. I have to live up to so many expectations. Living up to everyone's expectations. Often i ponder, what i did, isn't what i really want. I'm just doing it cause.. others want me to do so.

Therefore, conclusion? Just live up to their expectations again. It makes the world more peaceful. Maybe that's the direction that i'll head towards. Living expectation.

Track of time

There's just so much going on this year. All the up(s) and down(s) to my friends. This year is indeed torturous for me.. I mean, it's like my final year. I don't even know how my future will be like in a few years time. I don't know  what i want in life, what i want out of myself. Just, fuck this shit. Moreover, we are all going to be separated from all our friends. I mean, we can say stay in contact and all kinds of cliche words. But we know at the end of the day, we are all going to drift apart:/

Really is mental stress. Got to worry about results, worry about drifting apart, worry about future:/

I really don't wanna graduate. Just feel like it's the end of the education cycle. Whereby Uni is just an optional, not like after primary, you move onto secondary, then to poly/Jc.  If i didn't meet this bunch of awesome people, i probably wouldn't give 2 fuck about graduating. But no, i met them. They brought upon a different meaning to the mundane poly life.

Fuck this okay. And now i'm feeling so troubled. Cause i can't get this nonsense out of my head. I don't want to look forward to anything. Especially this nonsense. I don't wanna get happy over absolutely nothing. Or rather, just my own imagination:/ Really think i should stop this shit before it gets wayyyyy too out of hand. By then, it will be nothing but hell.


On a side note, Bali trip has been confirmed! Air tickets and accomodation set. We're ready to go! ^^

 I CAN DO IT! 

Gone.

Been so long since i last blogged.

I'm so tired. So so tired. Mentally, physically and spiritually:/

JUST SO TIRED.

Tired of being a friend, tired of being a best friend. I feel like I've been keeping myself under pressure from everywhere. Doesn't pay to be nice. Ever. But i'm a sucker when it comes to friends and people i keep close to my heart:/

Things are just different. I just feel like i lost you. Each time i think of it. I feel like crying. Without fail. Guess i just gotta let it go. People don't come to stay in our lives forever. As much as i wish and miss, hais.

谁能打开我的心结。