Pain.

I know i left this place vacant for much longer than I should. And i guess everyone that used to read this space no longer reads it:/ But i suppose this is one place that allows me to be honest with my own feelings.

Been feeling crappy through the initial months. I can't even find a reason to cry. I think that's bad. Since i can't really "release" all of which that has been bottling up. Reading my own blog always gives me... a teary feeling. I suppose cause it's been through most of the times when i was down?

I thought i was over it. Like really over it. But whenever I see pictures, see our memories. Something just hurts from within. I was told that when love turns to hatred, it just makes everything easier to let go. So that's what i did. I made every love I had, into hatred. But i don't seem to feel relieved. Some day some times, things just come back, and i feel worse than ever. I can't tell anyone. I suppose they wouldn't care.

Couple of week ago, I was browsing through my Facebook Messenger, my blog, my photo library, my msn conversations, my ipod, everything. I see memories. We were happy, sweet in our own ways. Then it started getting lesser and eventually gone. When we were younger, we used to dream together about being together forever, have our family and grow older together. As we grew up, all of these just turned into a blurry vision. Now, vanished without a trace. As things started to take a turn for the worse, I had myself mentally prepared.

You weren't as sweet, we met up lesser, you don't seem to care much either. I started to get tired, but I still held on. Cause i naively believed that you will put in the effort to keep it going. But no, I was so wrong. You chose to take others' words for it. You turned your back against me, who trusted you with all I had. The betrayal, the way things ended, my memories vanishing, I hated all of these. You'll never feel the same way. You wouldn't have felt this starking pain. The last few messages was the last straw. I don't even know who is this person whom I've been together with for half a decade.

Now and then, I see your tweets, I see the conversations with her. I feel so annoyed. I want to just rip everything in my sight. I hated it all. I feel disgusted with her. I know she didn't do anything wrong. But i really just want to rip her / everything in my sight.

Thanks to all of you, now i can't trust anyone fully. Perhaps a handful of really close ones to my heart. But it's hard. I can't even trust Jw, wj or anyone. I just believe there's a motive behind every kindness that others showered on me. Can't wait for the world to end, I just don't see the point. No, I'm not suicidal. I'm just too tired to carry on with this life.

Someone, please. Save me. Or maybe I don't want to be saved. This pain makes me feel like I'm alive. But I believe that I'm better off dead.